Damn
Posted by SBG on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
When Lucy told me a while back that she was pregnant again, my first reaction was, man, I have a lot of work to do. I need to clear my office out of that last bedroom, move BabySBG's stuff into the guest room and move the guest room down into what was the office. There's painting to do and just so many preparations. Things were falling into place.
Lucy and I were each 40 when we got married. We had hoped for two kids, although we both knew that maybe that was going to be difficult. Two? At our age? Well, BabySBG came along quickly enough -- we were married 23 months when she was born. She is such a great baby, healthy, cute as a button, so physically active and alert. What a joy she is for us.
And then, so quickly after she was born, Lucy was pregnant again. Two kids: just what we wanted. The plan was working out. I started working out every morning, packing the bag at 5:00AM, driving to the gym (located in the building where I work), and getting in shape. I wanted to be trim when this second one was born. Plus, at my age, I need to take care of myself, what with two little kids -- I can't be checking out at 50. So, working out was part of the daily routine and things were happening. I could feel myself getting in shape -- clothes were not so tight, and people were noticing. I have been working on names -- joking with Lucy that if it's a boy, he would be Xerxes Zachary and we'd call him "XZ". Xerxes Zachary, try saying that ten times fast. It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.
I have been thinking recently about how this time around was so much different. The first time is just something so new and scary. I worried about my wife, I wondered how the baby would be, I wondered how my life was going to change. This time, though, I wasn't worried. You know, we've done this thing before.
To hear the doctor tell us today that our unborn child is dead left me numb. I was just taking this pregnancy for granted. Lucy had mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't feel pregnant. She's kind of a worrier, but I told her, call the doctor's office. They reassured her... things were fine. Well, things were not fine, as we found out today. Things were not fine. Things had gone horribly wrong. I didn't want to believe it. When the doctor didn't hear the heartbeat, it never clicked in my head, something's wrong. When she ordered an unplanned ultrasound today, again, I'm oblivious. Lucy was worried, I was not. It wasn't until the doctor actually said it that I had any clue that things were amiss. I just didn't think it was possible, I guess. But, it was possible and it did happen.
Our doctor was so nice to us. She was empathetic and caring. She gave us a book to read about miscarriages. I opened it up when I got home and I found out how common this really is. There are about 800,000 miscarriages a year in the United States. That's 2200 a day. There's 2200 women out there today in this country going through the pain of a miscarriage. One of them is my wife. Tomorrow there will be 2200 more. And so on. I know people who have multiple miscarriages. My brother told me this morning about someone who had nine before they finally got a baby. My brother in law told me that his mother had five before she had her two kids. It's a part of life, it's a part of so many people's lives. That is the way things are. It's no fun, though, that's for sure. Sometimes we forget that life can be hard.
There's a school of thought about when you tell people that you are expecting a child. Most people wait longer than we did. Both Lucy and I could not contain our excitement -- we just had to tell people. Now we have to tell people this. Maybe, if there's a next time, we'll keep it to ourselves a little longer. I don't know. We are who we are.
For years when I was single, I worried that I would never have a child of my own. BabySBG was and is a dream come true. She's our little miracle. When we got home from the doctor's office, she sat in her high chair and smiled and babbled as she ate her lunch. I thought about how great it is to have her with us. Because, as well as it went with her, it doesn't always turn out that way.
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I'm glad you two have a good rapport with Lucy's doctor. That's got to help a little.
I know it sounds hollow, but I'm sure I speak for the whole Nation in saying we are here to help you as best we can.
It took a lot of courage to write this post SBG. I can empathize with you and I can say without doubt, that you are handling a tough situation very well. Our story is similar to yours with a few inconsequential details. We had a baby girl two years after being married, followed by three miscarriages. I didn't handle it all that well in many respects, including not truly understanding the depth of pain my wife felt. Hell, I'm not sure how I felt and never really talked about it again until several years later. There may be wiser advice - but this too shall pass. Feel free to fully go through all the emotions a traumatic event like this brings on. Talk about it as much as you need to and as long as you need to and as you have pointed out, don't be discouraged because it is as much of the process as giving birth to a healthy baby.
I echo Brian and Banjo's sentiments.
Your post title kinda sums it up. Sorry to hear, SBG. Makes you want to hug BabySBG just a little tighter.
I think it's safe to say that I don't understand the sort of grief you must be going through right now. I'm too young and immature, and certainly I haven't had to go through anything like this. All I can say is that you seem to be handling things well and I hope that things gradually get back to normal for you and Lucy.
Ditto to what Ubes has said. My deepest condolences.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's something a lot of people go through but that doesn't make it any easier.
So sorry to hear it, SBG. I wish there were words to make it easier, but there just aren't.
My sympathies for you and Lucy, SBG.
My condolences. I've been through that as well, and understand the pain. My wife also said that she never felt pregnant, but I thought for sure she was just letting her mind get carried away.
I remember looking through the stats in the pamphlet the doctor gave us and (with very rough math) figuring that probably about 1 in 3 women end up having a miscarriage. In my experiences of talking about it, that seems pretty close to right. If you are open in talking about it, you will find all sorts of people who have been through the same and are willing to offer some form of support. They can't really alleviate the loss, but a thoughtful word from someone who really understands can go a long way. My best to you and your family.
Pretty much every man has said at one time or another that they don't understand women, usually in jest. But, we really don't understand this baby thing. I really thought my wife was being paranoid, but she was very tuned in to what was happening. I am amazed at her knowledge and insight into everything that has happened, both in this instance and during the birthing process of BabySBG. I fashion myself as being up on things, but she really has shown me a thing or two about this stuff.
I marvel at the unbelievable connection between her and our daughter. I can only wonder what it must be like to go through the baby rearing process. And, as heavy as my heart is today, I know that I cannot begin to understand how she feels. All I can do is try not to be stupid.
Thanks to you and everyone who has left comments. I think it's good to talk about things -- good and bad. You guys are important to me. Thanks again.
I think as a husband, "All I can do is try not to be stupid" is pretty much a life-long goal. Keep up the good fight, SBG. I'm still trying.
That's really awful and I'm sorry to hear it.
I am deeply sorry for Lucy and you, SBG.
Many of us have participated in your family's experiences over the last couple of years by reading your comments, hopes, and dreams in this blog - a sort of extended family - at any rate I am truly saddened by your loss.
My condolences. I can't imagine the pain and heartache you and your wife are going through. My sister had several miscarriages after her daughter was born before having a happy and healthy boy.
I don't have anything to add other than to say I'm sorry for you and your family.
Aaaaawwww, Boss. Moss is so very sad for you right now. Hang in there, Bud.
Give Moss' regards to Lucy, too.
Sorry to hear about this SBG and Lucy. My thoughts are with you.
There's not really much more for me to say that has not already been said. I'm truly sorry for you and Lucy.
Jo and I send our sincerest condolences. There isn't anything I can add to the statements of the other members of the Nation, but be assured of the addition of our prayers for you and Lucy. May the pain of your loss find some relief in the presence of BabySBG.
I add my condolences to those who have already posted and of course my thoughts and prayers are with your family.
I am so sorry to read this, SBG.
I am saddened to read about your loss SBG. I have never met you or Lucy, but have sensed through your postings that you have something special going in that family of yours. My prayers and thoughts will be with you both. I hope you are able to spend lots of time together to get through this.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Lucy, SBG.
I know that before a baby is born, as a prospective parent you create imagined lives for it (what if it's a girl? what if it's a boy?) in your daydreams, so the child virtually exists in your mind even before you get to meet the little one. I wish I had something wise to say, but I'm just terribly sorry for your loss, SBG. Kiss your girls, and take care.
Sorry to hear that. Don't know what else to say.
I just read this post this morning. My gosh. I can't even begin to imagine how you and Lucy must feel.
I have said before that I've come to see you and the others around the nation as friends. I wish there was a way we could be there for you other than virtually. Please know that you are in my prayers. If you ever want someone to talk to, either by email or on the phone, please let me know. I don't know that I have any answers, but I can be a pretty good listener.
My condolences, my friend.
I'm very sorry to hear about this, SBG. My wife & I haven't had a miscarriage, but we're in the same boat of "still trying for our 2nd in our 40s". Good luck to you & Lucy.