My teeth are gritted and I'm strapped into my chair. Time to read a week's worth of columns from the six columnists in town and summarize them for you. I do it because I love you and believe me, it hurts me more than it hurts you.

Grandpa Sports
• On the day of the trading deadline, Sid provides cover for the Twins not making a move, quoting Joe Nathan:

We don't feel like we need help. Everyone is talking about how they've got to make a move, they're going to make a move -- but we're sitting here [1 1/2 games out in the AL Central] right now with the guys we've got. So no one sees the flip side, when you make a move somebody is going to not be able to play.

Of course, that's a company line. The Twins had just lost Alexi Casilla for what looked like the season and they have been scraping it together in the bullpen with Pat Neshek out and Juan Rincon pitching so bad that they released him. Perhaps Joe Nathan likes seeing Brian Bass out there coughing up games. The Twins, at the right price, of course, could easily have been made better. But, Joe's not gonna rock the boat. Says Sid, in his normal quid pro quo, "Well-spoken words by the best closer in the game." Of course, the Twins pretty much immediately dumped Craig Monroe and replaced him with a 30 year old rookie after the deadline, putting the lie to what Nathan was saying

• On Friday, Sid tells us that scouts are really impressed with Justin Morneau. Yep, Justin's pretty good. How good? According to Sid:

Visit with scouts from other teams who watch the Twins, and many believe Justin Morneau has the potential to be one of the great players to ever play in the major leagues.

Jeebus, not even Justin's mother believes that.

• On Saturday, Sid sings the praises of Nick Punto. Yep, Punto is far from the suckitude that he was last year. And yes, he's versatile and does a pretty good job in the field. Sid: "And Punto is having that great year with the bat." For the season, Punto is hitting .285/.335/.396 for an OPS+ of 99. Compared to last year, that's great, but compared to the league as a whole, he's slightly below average. But, hey, compared to that Justin's-got-the-potential-to-be-one-of-the-greatest-ever, this is Punto is great is practically an understatement.

Sid's an amazing guy. He's still plugging out sports columns three or four times a week at the age of 89. That's saying something. But, for goodness sake, the quality of these columns is not much better than the semi-illiterate ramblings of the tortured souls that provide the Strib comments. No self-respecting blogger writes crap like this. Is anyone in charge over at the Strib?

Pat Reusse

• Timing, as they say, is everything. Kevin Slowey pitched a shutout on Monday against the Chicago White Sox and Reusse wrote a column on Tuesday about how Veteran Leader^TM Livan Hernandez gave Slowey some inspiration.

Last time he faced Chicago, Slowey was sitting glumly in front of his cubicle.

Livan Hernandez, the Twins' lone veteran starter, walked over and said: "You know, there are going to be more of these.''

Message: Get over it.

"If you ask me, this little run of good pitching started with what Livan did on Friday night in Cleveland,'' Slowey said. "He got knocked around in the first inning, but when he came in the dugout, you couldn't tell if he had given up four runs or none.

"And then he went back out and threw eight innings. It wasn't a win, but when you watched him react like that ... it was a great lesson for the young starters on this team.''

You know, I get plenty tired of drivel like this. The kid threw a shutout and somehow credit is flung towards the craptastic veteran. Is Slowey so Berting fragile that he's going to fall apart without someone like Livan around? Apparently, the Twins didn't think so -- Hernandez got handed his walking papers this week. They didn't even bother putting him in the bullpen. Apparently, Brian Bass is more valuable in their eyes. Maybe Bass gives a hell of a pep talk.

• What a difference two days makes. On Tuesday, we hear about what a great presence Hernandez is, but on Wednesday, he goes out and stinks it up, handing the White Sox their only win in the four game series. Now, all that veteran leadership is worth a pile of beans.

The distressing part of this clunker from Hernandez was that it came in the Dome, where he had been effective enough to make up for complete futility on the road.

Carlos Quentin whacked him for a home run in the first, another run scored in the third, and then Quentin emptied the bases with a double in the fourth.

Add it up, and Livan went four innings, gave up five runs and 12 baserunners. He has yielded an astounding 199 hits in 139 2/3 innings.

Ten victories in four months made Livan worth the one-year contract, but his looping fastball and soaring curve clearly are fooling fewer and fewer hitters.

The Twins would have to be as stubborn as Tim Pawlenty calling a tax a fee if they were to continue to refuse to supplant Hernandez in the rotation with Francisco Liriano.

It's not ideal to have a rotation with five mostly inexperienced starters, but Livan can't lead the young-uns other than to mediocrity with pitching like this.

Yep, those ten victories were really worth it. Reusse apparently doesn't understand the concept of run support. But, on Thursday, he understands that Livan Hernandez can't pitch effectively at the major league level. I guess the "young-uns" will have to rely on, I don't know, the fucking coaching staff for guidance.

• On Saturday, Reusse looks at the Favre situation. He thinks that Favre would do basically nothing for the Vikings. I don't care about the Vikings and Favre is not the Favre of old, but I do think the Vikings would be better with Brett at the helm.

• On Sunday, Reusse profiled Tom Lehman, who almost won the 1996 U.S. Open, which was played at Oakland Hills, MI, the site of this week's PGA.

Top Jimmy
• On Wednesday, Top Jimmy writes about an exciting, come from behind win against the White Sox. That was a pretty fun win and it drew the Twins to within one-half game. This is a pretty innocuous column, but it does include this puzzler:

Denard Span, the only Twin who can compare to Joe Mauer in quality of at-bats, draws a walk.

It seems to me that Justin Morneau has had some quality at bats, too.

• On Friday, Top Jimmy writes the kind of column that makes me want to wring his pencil neck. He suggests that the Twins should have traded Liriano for Adrian Beltre. I happen to disagree with this idea, and the WGOM Poll earlier this week had no takers for Liriano for Beltre. But, here's the thing. I conducted that poll before the deadline. Top Jimmy wrote his column after the deadline. This kind of column needs to be written before the deadline, or not at all. Leading up to the deadline, Top Jimmy made absolutely no indication that he had any opinion about what the Twins should do. Then, after the deadline, he writes that the Twins should trade the F-Bomb, and he references a two year old DUI as support for his ridiculous idea. Souhan, you are a hack.

• On Saturday, Top Jimmy writes about the Olympic Basketball Team. I don't give a frog's fat ass about Olympic Basketball.

Shooter
• Charley quotes Rich Gannon, who talks about Brett Favre. The whole column is one long quote. Gannon thinks the Vikings would be better off with Tavaris Jackson for a the first half of the season because Favre needs to learn the offense, but then he says, "And in his heart of hearts he knows he's still probably one of the top five quarterbacks in the league. So why wouldn't you come back?" I'm thinking that T-Jack is NOT one of the top five QBs in the league. But, the Vikes are better off with him, anyway. For a while at least.

• Charley tells us that Jerry Bell went to New York to see the two new ballparks being built. Of course, ours is better.

Bell said the Twins' ballpark will have features better than those of Yankee Stadium.

"Our architecture is more unique, more fitting of Minnesota," he said. "The Mets' stadium is more brick and steel, East Coast, which is fine. I don't think that would be right for us, though. We're putting stone on ours now. I like it a lot. It's gorgeous, just gorgeous."

• Charley tells us that the guy who used to be Ken Griffey, Jr. loves to hit against the Twins. I don't know if he knows it, but Griffey's been in the National League for about eight years, where he got old. He does have this little tidbit: "White Sox broadcaster Ken "Hawk" Harrelson said the two "prettiest" baseball swings he has seen in 45 years of organized baseball belong to Griffey and the Twins' Joe Mauer." One wonders if Sid's scouts were talking about Mauer instead of Morneau when they were talking about a potential all-time great.

Tom Powers
I think he's lost at sea. No new columns for almost two weeks.

Bob Sansevere
Jeebus, was it vacation week at the PiP? Sansevere with one offering, an interview with Gary Zimmerman. Zimmerman speaks the truth:

Being elected to the Hall of Fame was actually a surprise. It really shocked me. I figured (former Vikings teammate and guard) Randall (McDaniel) would go because I didn't think they'd take two linemen at the same time. I thought that'd be awesome if we went the same time. It's hard for me to look at myself and say that I had a great career. It's easy for me to say that about Randall. He was the most amazing athlete I saw on the line. I thought for sure he'd be a first-time ballot guy. Maybe it's because he doesn't have a Super Bowl ring. He's got everything but a Super Bowl.

God, what a week. I've been beaten into submission.