The WGOM

What to Write, What to Write

November 18th, 2008 by SBG

I mentioned the other day that I really wanted to fire up the WGOM now that the election is over. This place has lost a little steam and it's time to get moving again. I'm typing this into a computer, but if it were the old days, I'd have my tablet in front of me, all my pencils sharpened and lined up, my eraser placed just so on my desk and I'd be ready to go. Except for one thing. What to write?

I suppose I could pump out 1500 words on the prospect of the Twins bringing back Casey Blake, but ubelmann came out of retirement long enough to cover that idea. I suppose I could write about how the Twins really screwed up when they didn't pick up Chad Bradford, because not only might he have made the difference between a tie and eventual loss to the White Sox in a playoff and actually making the post season, but he'd also would have filled a huge hole in the 2009 Twins for a reasonable cost. But, I don't need to second guess, I mentioned it at the time. I suppose I could, you know, write a book on Twins prospects, but Seth has done that (preorder yours now!) and anyway, I'd rather read what Seth says than to do all the work of researching all these guys. After all, Seth has written the freaking book on the topic (preorder yours now!).

I suppose I could start breaking down all of the guys on the Timberwolves roster, but how many times can you write he sucks, he sucks, he's not bad but you can't build around him, really, did we think that he was better than Roy, he'd be great if he'd learn how to play defense, I can't wait until his contract is up, he McCan't play, etc. before the realization that this team is so far into the wilderness right now that they may never find civilization again sets in like a bad chest cold?

I suppose I could write about the Minnesota Vikings, but good grief, I'm about as excited about that team and the NFL in general as I am about women's hockey. Nothing against women's hockey, but, you know. I will tell you that severing my interest in the NFL has been one of the great self-improvement moves I have ever made. I raked the leaves during the Packers-Vikings game and did not care who won the game. In a twist of irony, I participate in Seth's football pool out of courtesy to Mr. Stohs. I missed a couple of weeks, the first because I was at my uncle's funeral and couldn't get internet connection without offending people and the second because I didn't realize that the NFL week started on Thursday. So, I'm kind of out of the running. But, I was leading the freaking pool before that! I'm not even paying attention! I did look and see that I would have been leading the ESPN panel of experts pool, too! What a joke. I'm not paying attention! And I'm better at picking games than every expert at the World Wide Leader^TM? Hee-hee!

So, this morning, I was thinking, what should I write about? Politics? No, that's covered here. I suppose I could go and buy Chuck Klosterman's new book and write a review about that -- a fictional story about a small town in North Dakota -- Jeebus, Chuck, you live in New York now, BRANCH OUT! No. I would buy this book solely to see what people in SBGville he's fictionalized, because, from what I've read, this book is about life in SBGville 25 years ago. I supposed I could write that book, too, seeing as how I was older than 11 back then, but it'd probably have fewer references to Def Leppard or other bands of the day, so who knows if it would sell. More plausibly, I could just tell some stories about life there, like I've done in the past, but right now I can't think of any really good ones, because let's face it, SBGville is pretty boring. That Chuck's making a bunch of money writing about SBGville is something that I can't really grasp. I don't get it. But, more power to him, I guess.

One thing I could write about is how I obtained perfection this morning. Our coffee machine is broken down at work, so I stopped at Starbucks in Eagan for a cup of coffee before my bus came. I made my order, venti Thanksgiving blend, and the barista (like my Starbucks lingo?) said, "Perfect." Perfect! Who knew? The perfect order at Starbucks is a large cup of the coffee of the day! I was amazed that my barista was able to grasp that she'd witnessed perfection. I guess it was the casual way that I was able to communicate in their corporate mumbo jumbo that I wanted a large cup of coffee. Perhaps it was the tone of voice I used: even, non-threatening courteous without being over friendly. Perhaps it was my ability to realize that yep, $2.03 is a lot for a cup of coffee, but it's a bargain compared to the four something I'd pay them to add an ounce or two of milk. In other words, I'm on to the whole scheme. I want my coffee black, like my president. (Actually, if you want to get technical, I suppose adding cream would be more apropos, but I'm veering dangerously close to the politics taboo, and I've probably stepped over the line in terms of good taste, but man the president-elect referred to himself as a mutt, so maybe I'm okay, and speaking of good taste, that coffee tasted good. This whole thing was supposed to be a reference to a pretty funny, albeit racist, line in the movie Airplane!, a movie that could be referenced in my always to be unwritten book about life in SBGville 25 years ago, but me using that line would have been a little awkward. The more I think of it, the more I don't like the line anymore and I'd pull it out of this post, but good grief, if this isn't half-baked crap, what is? Come to think of it, instead of making this a huge parenthetical remark, I could have made this a footnote, but that would have been derivative, too. Speaking of derivative, I'm writing about Starbucks like I'm Peter King or something. Let's move on.)

Then, I felt bad for the woman behind me in line. She ordered some overly expensive drink with a shot of milk or whipped cream and a pumpkin bar. She probably felt empty inside because she probably spent 2 1/2 times what I spent, and she didn't achieve the perfection that I achieved. How empty her life must be. And how hard it must be to follow perfection. It was a pretty good cup of coffee and I'm feeling pretty caffeinated. No, scratch that. It was perfect and I feel perfect. As soon as I finish this and start lawyering, I'm going to be great. No, I'm going to be perfect. How much do you charge for perfection? I suppose the regular rate.

And why continue with this post? What's the point? I've achieved perfection. That's as good a stopping point as any.

Tags: Chuck Klosterman, Minnesota Timberwolves, Minnesota Twins, Rashad McCan't, SBGVille, Seth Stohs, Starbucks

This entry was posted by SBG on Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 7:34 am and is filed under Featured Articles. It is one of 2471 entries by the author. We are no longer accepting Letters to the Editor on this post.