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The Turn of an Unfriendly Card

Nearly 130 years after his death, Canada Bill Jones remains a legendary figure of the Old West. He earned his moniker roaming the frontier towns of Canada as a talented grifter and three-card Monte thrower. But it didn't take too many years of wandering the frigid northern backwaters before Jones hungered for bigger games, longer cons, and larger stakes. An accomplished card sharp by the time he reached his twenties, Canada Bill next plied his trade among the bustling railroad towns of the West and Midwest, fleecing workers of their hard earned pay from Omaha to Kansas City and St. Louis. Eventually the Union Pacific railroad bosses clamped down on Canada Bill and his ilk, so he forsook the rails in favor of the paddle-wheel riverboats that beat their way up and down the mighty Mississippi from St. Paul to New Orleans and points in between.

"It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money," Canada Bill was known to say, and, "A Smith and Wesson beats four of a kind." But neither of those colorful quips are the one for which he is best remembered. Following the Civil War, Jones would open and operate four gambling houses in Chicago, all of them as crooked as a dog's hind leg. Jones and his various partners won huge sums of money in their day and lived lives of periodic extravagance and luxury. But Canada Bill suffered from an occupational hazard, for he himself had the gambling sickness. No matter how much he earned from his three-card Monte marks and short-card cons at the faro table, he would just as readily lose it to even more talented professional gamblers and hucksters than himself.

It was after losing a huge sum of money in a crooked faro game in Cairo, Illinois (though some say it was Denver, others Baton Rogue) that Jones would utter the phrase that immortalizes him to this day. Upon being informed by his partner that the faro game in which he had just lost a small fortune was rather less than honest, Canada Bill famously replied, "I know the game is crooked. But it's the only game in town."

That story about Canada Bill illustrates nicely how I feel about the Twins - or any small market team - taking on the Yankees, the Red Sox, or any big market, big payroll team in the playoffs. You know the game is inherently crooked, you know the deck is stacked against you, that the cards are clearly marked for the opponent to read, but dammit, it's the only game in town. So if you want to play, you have to be willing to accept that your chances of winning are considerably lower than the other guys before a single pitch is ever thrown. Out of 30 major league baseball teams, just nine have payrolls of more than $100 million. But those nine are disproportionately represented in the postseason, taking up five of the eight available playoff slots this year.

1. Yankees $201,449,289

4. Red Sox $122,696,000

6. Angels $113,709,000

7. Phillies $113,004,048

9. Dodgers $100,458,101

13. Cardinals $88,528,411

18. Rockies $75,201,000

24. Twins $65,299,267

Last night's extra innings loss to the Yankees was tormenting in so many ways. It was frustrating that with Nick Blackburn throwing an absolute gem and holding the vaunted Yankee lineup scoreless for five innings, Carlos Gomez fell down rounding second base and was tagged out before Delmon Young could cross home plate to score the game's first, and as it would turn out, quite possibly the game's deciding run. It was disappointing, though not entirely unprecedented, that the Twins would strand 17 base runners over 11 innings. It was disheartening that with a two-run lead Joe Nathan, one of the elite closers in the game, once again imploded in Yankee Stadium, grooving a 3-1 fastball to Alex Rodriguez that A-Rod launched into the bullpen to tie the game. It was maddening that with bases loaded and no outs in the top of the 11th inning, the Twins could not plate a single run. It's incredibly galling that while standing just a dozen feet from the play, umpire Phil Cuzzi blew a foul ball call that would have put Joe Mauer into scoring position instead of first base on the single he eventually hit. And it's ultimately depressing that Mark Teixeira won the game on a home run that would not be a home run in any other major league ballpark, a home run that was a fair ball by roughly the same margin as Joe Mauer's uncalled ground rule double.

It was, I think, overcoming the very long odds to ultimately catch and surpass the $115,085,145 Detroit Tigers that made winning the AL Central so sweet this year. But as the slave appointed to ride with each Roman general of antiquity in his triumphal chariot would continuously whisper into the general's ear, all glory is fleeting. There is still a lot of postseason baseball to be played, though it's hard to say how much I'll be able to enjoy it now. For the Twins, there's at least one more game, this time on our home field. But I don't believe, and neither should anybody, that it will give them any real edge against the richest, winningest team in baseball. That meager home field advantage in one or two elimination games is soundly trumped by the big money the Yankees (and other free-spending teams) can afford to throw at every elite player who hits the free agent market year after year. And that was what had me up pacing the floor and muttering under my breath at two o'clock this morning, and what has me up early on a Saturday, typing an uncharacteristic rant for the WGOM.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. I'm still a fan and I'll still watch, but luckily I'm not fool enough to bet money on the games. I still think baseball is the greatest sport in the pantheon of professional athletics. I'd still rather watch a single Twins postseason series than an entire season of profession football or basketball or hockey. But ultimately, I know deep down that the odds are I'm going to be sorely disappointed. Because I let myself hope that the Twins can overcome the enormous advantage enjoyed by the Yankees and most of the other teams that make the playoffs. Because the playing field is terribly tilted and skewed season after season. Because I know the game is crooked, but it's the only game in town.

As for Canada Bill Jones, he would live out his later years in Cleveland, eventually dying penniless in Reading, Pennsylvania in 1880, his funeral expenses reimbursed by the unscrupulous, more talented, and ultimately grateful gamblers of Chicago who had separated him from his ill-gotten gains time and time again.

On the Grill (Playoff Edition): Talking Turkey

Okay, that first game with the 2009 AL Central Division Champion Minnesota Twins and that little team from the Bronx was a bit of a turkey. But not all things turkey have to suck like a Top Jimmy poultry analogy. Just a few weeks ago my wife was watching Oprah, and they featured a recipe for turkey burgers that came from one of Donald Trump's restaurants. Mrs. Twayn thought it sounded pretty good, and started in on me to try it out.

Now, I was immediately skeptical and reluctant, because I've tried turkey burgers and found them wanting. Too dry, too bland, too... unsavory. But my wife can be tenacious, and she kept working on me. So after a week of dropping subtle hints, she hit on a plan. Her brother and his fiance were coming into town from Cali the day before we left for Vegas. Our only chance to see them was the night they got into town, so she invited them over for dinner and prepared the menu. Yep, you got it. Turkey burgers.

The wife did all the shopping (I'm guessing only brianS might already have everything this recipe calls for in stock), the measuring and mixing, and all I had to do was fire up the grill and torch the suckers. When they were done, we chowed down. And I have to admit, they were good. Damn good. So good I plan to make them a regular part of the grilling rotation. Maybe not the ace, but a solid middle of the rotation dish. One thing to keep in mind - this is a restaurant recipe and makes about 8 half-pound burgers. We cut the recipe in half to make 8 quarter pound burgers, which were plenty big, and fit on the bun much better.

Mar-a-Lago Turkey Burgers

1/4 cup thinly sliced scallions

1/2 cup finely chopped celery

3 Granny Smith apples, peeled and diced

1/8 cup canola oil

4 lbs. ground turkey breast (98-99% lean)

2 tbsp. salt

2 tbsp. black pepper

2 tbsp. Tabasco chipotle pepper sauce

1 lemon, juiced and grated zest

1/2 bunch parsley, finely chopped

1/4 cup Major Grey's Chutney, pureed

Saute the scallions, celery and apples in the canola oil until tender. Let cool. Place the ground turkey in a large mixing bowl. Add sauteed items and the remaining ingredients and mix well. Shape into quarter pound burgers. Refrigerate for 2 hours. Season the turkey burgers with salt and pepper. Place on preheated, lightly oiled grill (around 350-375 degrees). Grill each side for 7-8 minutes until meat is thoroughly cooked. Let sit for 5 minutes. Serve them on a toasted bun slathered with more of the Major Grey's.

The apple and chutney (mango and ginger) in the mix make the patties juicy and delicious. A great combination of sweet, smokey, tangy and spicy hot flavors. Enjoy with a cold beer of your selection.

2009 Game 58: Minnesota Identicals at Seattle Seafarers

3:10 p.m CDT
Safeco Field

WFTC29, MLB.tv, TRN

Kevin Slowey (8-1) vs. Erik Bedard (4-2)

They say it's not who you play, it's when you play them. If that's the case, we're getting Erik Bedard at probably the worst possible time. Not that there's ever a real great time to face him,  but he's pitching better than ever this season, and his splits to date would seem to spell even more inevitable doom for the Twins today.

Against left handed hitters Bedard has an opponents' batting average of .185, against right handers he pitches to a .233 average. With the Twin's lefty heavy lineup - advantage, Bedard. In home games, Bedard has a 1.85 ERA, in away games it's 2.72. Hello, Seattle - advantage, Bedard. In day games, Bedard has an ERA of 1.99. In night games, it's 2.79. Seattle start time is 1:10 p.m - advantage, Bedard. On grass, Bedard's ERA is 1.94. On turf, it's .466. Game, set, match, Bedard.

Overall this year, Bedard has a 2.37 ERA, 4th best in the American League, good for an ERA+ of 185. He's 12th on the AL leaderboards with 61 punchouts, tied with Captain Cheeseburger. At thirty years of age, this six-year veteran lefty is having the best season of his life, noticeably better than his overall career numbers. So we have to pin our hopes for generating offense today on regression to the mean, or a wicked one-hopper off Bedard's athletic cup.

I haven't seen either of the games this weekend, but I do like the fact that we've only given up 3 runs in this series, and our starters (including Liriano) have only given up 2. So far it's come done to a pair of pitchers' duels, and with Slowey, who at 8-1 is tied with Zack Greinke for 2nd among AL Wins leaders taking the mound, we could very well get another one in the rubber game today. Let's hope we're on the right side of it if we do.

TWINS (28-29)

1. Denard Span, LF
2. Joe Mauer, C
3. Justin Morneau, DH
4. Joe Crede, 3B
5. Jason Kubel, RF
6. Michael Cuddyer, 1B
7. Brendan Harris, SS
8. Carlos Gomez, CF
9. Alexi Casilla, 2B

MARINERS (27-29)

1. Ichiro Suzuki, RF
2. Russell Branyan, 1B
3. Adrian Beltre, 3B
4. Ken Griffey Jr., DH
5. Jose Lopez, 2B
6. Ronny Cedeno, SS
7. Endy Chavez, LF
8. Jamie Burke, C
9. Franklin Gutierrez, CF

Game 52: Minnesota Twins at Tampa Bay Rays

Tropicana Field
First Pitch - 12:38 p.m. CST

TV - WFTC29
Radio - TRN

Probable Starters:
Nick Blackburn (4-2, 3.55 ERA, 1.36 WHIP ) vs. Matt Garza (4-3, 3.65 ERA, 1.13 WHIP )

In case you haven't noticed, the Twins in general and Joe Mauer in particular have had a pretty good month of May. Mauer has 11 home runs and 32 RBI on the month, the first time in history a Twins player has accomplished that feat. He's hit .417 with a .500 OBP this month.

As a team, the Twins are hitting .285 in May, best in the AL, and their 273 hits rank second only to Tampa Bay's 275. The Twins have hit 40 home runs in May, second in the AL to the Yankees, who have 44. You would think that all that offense would have given the team a winning record in May, but you would be wrong. In baseball and comedy, timing is everything.

It would have been nice to get some of those hits and homers in a more timely fashion, as the Twins have lost 16 games in May while winning just 13, and of their 16 losses, 10 of them have been by one or two runs. So far the magic number for the Twins appears to be 5. When scoring five or more runs, the Twins win more than half the time. When scoring less than 5 runs, they lose at an alarming rate. But when they score 8 or more runs in a game, they have yet to lose.

In the fun exotic stat category, I notice that Joe Mauer has an OWn% of .907. Offensive Winning percentage tells you how often a team would win with 9 of a particular player batting in the lineup, assuming league average pitching and defense by the other team. So if you stock your batting order with nine Joe Mauers, you will win about nine out of every ten games. With Justin Morneau, you win at a .790 clip. With Michael Cuddyer, .585. With Jason Kubel, .645. And if you had 9 Delmon Youngs batting, you would win at just a .158 rate.

Let's take a look at today's momentum. In his last start, Blackburn struck out a career high seven batters against a tough Boston lineup while giving up just one earned run. In Garza's last start, he gave up three home runs but just two other hits and also struck out seven. What does it all mean? Who knows, but if I had to give the ball to somebody on this team to stop a three game losing streak, Blackburn would be one of my top two choices right now.

Game on.

2009 Game 18: Minnesota Twins at Cleveland Indians

Game Time: 6:05 p.m. CT

Media: TRN, FS-N, MLB.tv

Probable Starters:

Kevin Slowey, RHP (2-0, 5.89)

Slowey has managed to notch two wins with just one good performance on the mound in his first three starts this season. That good performance came in his last start against the Angels, when he gave up just two runs on a Torii Hunter homer in the 2nd inning. Slowey then cruised through his final five innings, retiring 14 of 16 batters faced. Slowey apparently spotted a flaw in his mechanics after his first two starts and made some corrections. He also says that he was throwing too many strikes in his first outing, and that he's learning the value of throwing pitches outside of the strike zone from time to time.

Carl Pavano, RHP (0-2, 9.69)

Pavano's last start was a six inning, 1-run, 4-hit dandy against his former Yankees teammates at the new Yankee Stadium. Unfortunately, the Cleveland bullpen blew the Indians' lead and saddles Pavano with a no-decision. After the game, Pavano said he didn't feel he had his best fastball, but he was able to throw his slider and changeup for strikes. It was Pavano's best start in the short season to date, much better than his first outing against Texas, when he was tagged for 9 runs one-plus innings of work in his Tribe debut.

Notes:

  • The Twins and Indians have matched up pretty evenly in their contests since Gardenhire took the reins. Since the beginning of the 2002 season, the Twins have a 68-64 record vs. the Indians. The Twins have outscored the Tribe 596-594, and the Twins have hit .265 while the Indians have hit .263. The Twins lead in the doubles category (257-224), while the Indians lead in triples (21-16), home runs (165-114) and RBI (574-570).
  • In 11 games since April 12, Justin Morneau is batting .378 with three walks, four doubles, two home runs and six rbi. Morneau has hit safely in 10 of those 11 games and has an OBP of .417. He leads the club in at-bats (68), runs (13), hits (22), total bases (39) and home runs (4), and is tied for the club lead with Jason Kubel in doubles (5) and RBI (13).
  • Outfielder Denard Span went 2-for-5 last night, extending his hitting-streak to five games. He has hit safely in eight of his last nine games, including five multi-hit games, going 13-for-37 with three doubles, three RBI, and three runs scored. Span has started 16 games this season (six in left field, six in center and four in right).
  • The Twins pitching staff has allowed 10 or more hits in eight
    of the first 17 games. For the season, they have given up 167 hits, which is the third highest total in Major League Baseball, trailing only the Baltimore Orioles and the Los Angeles Angels.
  • The Twins have scored four or more runs in seven of their first 17 games. In those games, they have a record of 6-1. When they score three runs or less, the Twins have a record of 2-8.
  • Twins relievers have tossed 6 consecutive scoreless innings and have not allowed a run in four of the last five games. During that span, they are 0-0 with one save, eight hits, five walks and 10 strikeouts, while holding opponents to a .216 average.

An Old Timey Game Recap

Detroit Tigers at Chicago White Sox

September 29, 2008

MINNEAPOLIS - There was dark talk in the Twin Cities, grumbling at water coolers and in watering holes and wire chatter on the newfangled Web logs of which the youngsters are so enamored these days. Those unencumbered by allegiance to the scrappy Minnesota club could reasonably assume those rumblings were symptoms of a sudden outbreak of mass paranoia. For on this day in latest September, with the playoffs looming as ominous as the storm clouds that would delay for three more hours the last scheduled game of the 2008 baseball campaign, the Tigers of Detroit were visiting Chicago to tidy up unfinished business with their White Sox hosts, and the fate of the Gemini hung in the balance.

A fortnight before, the remnants of Hurricane Ike - one of the more powerful forces of nature - blew in from the Caribbean and up from the gulf to drive torrents across the Midwest. The inclement weather postponed Friday and Saturday games between the Tigers and White Sox at the second iteration of Comisky Park and forced a Sunday double-header, with victory in both halves claimed by the Pale Hose. The third game of that set remained uncontested, dangling like an appendix for two weeks as the Twins and White Sox, like two punch drunk and arm weary pugilists, struggled mightily and failed just as mightily to put the other on the canvas and claim the title of AL Central champ. Meanwhile, the once proud Tigers, two years removed from their last division crown and favored by many sages in the spring to contend in the fall, were waging their own battle to finish the season out of the AL Central cellar.

On Sunday the Minnesota club wrapped up their season schedule, still clinging to the scant half game lead they had earned in the covered confines of their home field by sweeping a trio of matches from the White Sox just three day before. And so the stage was set. One day later, a Monday as dreary on West 35th Street as it was on Wall Street, the White Sox and Tigers would play the postponement to make the season official and determine whether the Twins would hold bragging rights outright, or discover themselves knotted with the Sox atop the division, facing a single game playoff in Chicago with all the chips on the table at stake. On the tip of the Florida peninsula, the AL East champion Tampa Bay Rays also awaited the outcome to see if it would determine the identity of their playoff rival.

One can understand, then, the morbid misgivings of the Minnesota faithful in the hours leading up this pivotal tilt. The White Sox, after all, had everything to play for - a final, desperate grab at the brass ring to keep alive hopes of a division title and a potential playoff berth with its attendant opening for World Series grandeur. The Tigers, half a game in arrears to Kansas City, were playing for a meager smidgen of pride and the prospect of forcing the Royals to become their co-tenants for posterity at the bottom of the 2008 AL Central heap.

It helped not a bit that the Tigers would send to the hill a recently recuperated Freddy Antonio Garcia, holder of a 1-1 record in two games and just ten innings pitched for the season - and boon pal and countryman of White Sox skipper Oswaldo Jose Guillen. Or that Gentleman Jim Leyland would round out his injury depleted, under performing veteran lineup with cannon fodder from down on the farm. The fix must surely be in, the more demented denizens of the Twins Cities clamored. And who could fault them their paranoid delusions without walking a mile in their Red Wings?

But when the game itself at last commenced, those nagging doubts were dowsed as quickly and thoroughly as the customers that waited out the pre-game drenching in the Windy City. After a shaky first inning that kicked off with two free passes and an RBI single off the lumber of Jermaine Dye, Garcia shut down the dangerous White Sox lineup, holding them to that solitary digit through five frames. And by the time the game concluded, it was neither Garcia nor Leyland nor the Detroit farm hands that Minnesotans would find at fault, but rather the putrid performance of the Motor City relief corps.

Gavin Floyd, the young White Sox starter working on short rest, was clutching a precarious one run advantage after hurling four shutout frames. That's when the neophyte right-hander showed a narrow chink in his armor. With fellow infielder Ryan Raburn on base, Detroit third baseman Brandon Inge jolted a frosty lariat to left over the outstretched mitt of Dewayne Wise for a run batted in, a stand-up two-bagger, and a 1-1 deadlock. An inning later, with Miguel Cabrera planted on second, backstop Dusty Ryan nudged a breaking ball off the end of his bat just inside the first base chalk line. Floyd pounced on the ball, faltered in fielding it with his bare hand, and erroneously fired the pill into foul ground over a leaping Paul Konerko at first base. Cabrera lumbered home from second, Ryan scampered to occupy the sack Cabrera had vacated, and the Tigers roared into their first lead of the game, 2-1. The roar - and the lead - would not last long.

Freddy Garcia, auditioning for general managers in both leagues and slinging better with each passing frame, strode to the bump for the lower half of the sixth. After losing a battle to walk Wise, Garcia threw two pitches to Dye, both outside the strike zone. It was on the second toss that he felt a twinge in his surgically mended shoulder and left the game. Leyland, the senior statesman of junior circuit skippers, demonstrated that he was still determined to court victory by hailing the best right arm at his disposal, starter Armando Galarraga, from the pen.

Leyland's respect for the game and faith in Galarraga proved infinitely greater than the 13-game winner's composure when he promptly threw wild, allowing Wise to round second and reach third. His second pitch, as wild as the first, put Dye on first base and the tying run across the dish. Leyland reloaded, summoning reliever Bobby Seay, whose composure proved to be the equal of Galarraga's. His first offering to slugger Jim Thome went astray for the Tigers - third consecutive feral fling as Dye loped to second. Seay then somehow summoned enough fortitude and control to strike out Thome.

With one out and a hot swinging Paul Konerko stepping into the box, Leyland ordered an intentional pass to set up a potential double play. But the Thome whiffing had exhausted Seay’s reserve of moxie, and he walked Ken Griffey, Junior to load the bases. Leyland, with a dwindling supply of patience and the vocabulary to prove it, went once more to the bullpen, this time with Gary Glover getting the call to face the rail-thin Cuban rookie Alexei Ramirez.

"What Glover needs to do here is throw breaking balls down and away to Ramirez to get a ground ball so they can turn the double play,"said Orel Hirshiser, three-time All-Star, Cy Young award recipient, and winner of 204 major league baseball games to the national television audience. "He doesn't want to throw a fastball over the plate here. He doesn't want to challenge him, especially on the first pitch."

But Glover was not among the television audience, to the dismay of the Tigers, the Twins, and their collective aficionados. Glover's first offering to the Havana whippet, a waist-high fastball, split the plate in half. Ramirez - a Caribbean force of nature in his own right - raised a fresh tempest by clubbing the pitch from Broadway into the left field bleachers for his fourth grand-slam of the year, tying a record for major league rookies and sending the South Side devotees into a frenzy seldom matched since the repeal of Prohibition.

The rest is merely postscript. The White Sox padded their 6-2 lead with two more in the eighth, and the White Sox bullpen, a bane throughout the pennant race, did what Detroit's could not, hanging goose eggs on the scoreboard to send the Tigers back to Motown, tails tucked firmly between their legs, in sole possession of last place. In Minnesota, the Twins team boarded an airplane bound for northern Illinois instead of their preferred destination in south Florida. Their followers, down but not yet out, stormed the exits after a very tentative and painful ride on a broken-down bandwagon that Detroit fans had abandoned months before.

Notes from the Nest

Game 151: Twins 9, Indians 12

Hello, everyone. Last night sure was a rough one, wasn’t it? The game, I mean, of course. And then that little 'incident' afterward. A real rollercoaster ride – the big first plunge, then the exhilarating climb, then another plunge that gives you that funny feeling in your stomach like you’re going to throw up. Then the flashing lights and the siren and the jacket with all the buckles in the back and the really long arms that wrap around behind you. But I'm feeling much better today. And if I start to get too anxious again, why, the little orange pills that say SKF T76 on them calm me right back down. The music on the PA system is also very soothing. Bach. Beethoven. Mozart. The room is decorated in soft pastels, and the bed is comfortable enough, I suppose. I especially like that I can raise and lower it with the touch of a button.

Of course, the heavy-duty screening with the padlocks over the windows is a bit disconcerting, and I wish they didn't keep the door locked all of the time. But it's for my own good. That’s what they keep telling me, at least. It would be nice to have a mirror, though, and a razor so I could shave. And a belt for my pants, and shoelaces. And I wish the dreams would go away, the ones like bad mescaline trips where Eddie Guardado is the devil and the rest of the bullpen are demons and Joe Nathan’s pitching arm shrivels up and everybody keeps hitting everything he throws and Grady Sizemore is chasing me around trying to impale me with a foul pole through my heart. Ah, well.

The good news is that they're going to let me keep using the computer to read and comment on the WGOM, as long as I don't get too agitated. They don't like it when I get agitated. And I'm starting to not like it, either, because that's when the big men come in and make me lay down on the bed and buckle the straps and there I am, writhing and moaning and waiting for the little orange pills to kick in again.

I asked if I could watch the game today, Scott Baker vs. Cliff Lee on the mound, but the man with the beard and glasses said he didn’t think that would be a good idea. He said the same thing when I asked about the Tampa Bay series and the White Sox series. The man with the beard and glasses says I should probably just forget about baseball for the rest of the season, it would be much better for me to concentrate on my “issues,” but he never really comes right out and says what those issues are. It’s like he expects me to figure it out for myself.

Maybe by the time the playoffs come around they’ll let us watch. I mean, they have to let us watch the World Series, right? Even if the Twins aren’t in it, it’s still the World Series. I know the guy down the hall, guy name of McMurphy I believe, is a baseball fan. He’ll want to watch the World Series, too, I’m pretty sure. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, I have to log off now because it’s time for my therapy session. I don’t really like the therapy; it’s a little scary when they put the electrodes on your head. But after that first big jolt you just kind of black out and when you wake up you feel much calmer. A little confused, to be sure, and it is harder to remember things after you wake up. Like that west coast road trip, the one where we played Los Angeles (or was it Anaheim? or both?), Seattle and… Oakland? I know we played all those games, but I really can’t remember how many games we won or lost, or how we won or lost them. The man with the beard and glasses says that’s a good thing, and I guess he’s right. Hope you guys enjoy the ball game tonight. If I get a chance I’ll sneak onto the computer and check in now and then. I mean, what’s the worst thing they could do to me, right? It’s not like they give people lobotomies anymore. Do they?

Game 138: Minnesota at Toronto

September is my favorite month of the baseball season. From April through August I’m pretty much focused on two teams – the Twins and whoever they play that day. But when September rolls around and Labor Day is in the rear view mirror, I start to scan the baseball horizon in earnest and ponder the various pairings that the schedule makers have concocted. Tonight, for example, there are three other games that will or might have an impact on the Twins chances for winning the division or the wild card – Baltimore vs. Boston, Chicago vs. Cleveland, and New York vs. Tampa Bay. I’ll be keeping close tabs on all three while watching the Twins take on Toronto. While the Twins can’t control the outcome of those other games, you can be sure they’ll be watching the scoreboard and calculating division and wild card races in their heads, too.

After an off day Monday, the Twins begin the last leg of their RNC-driven marathon road trip, the longest away campaign the team’s endured in 39 years. The Twins enter the series tied for first with the White Sox in the AL Central with just 25 games left to play for each team. Believe it or not, the Blue Jays are one of just three teams with a winning record that the Twins will face through the end of the season, and the last one they’ll face until a four game series in Tampa Bay September 18-21, right before the highly anticipated showdown with the Palehose in the Dome.

As much as any factor, who the Twins won’t have to face in this Toronto series may help determine whether they will win the series and salvage a .500 record for this road trip. The Twins have the benefit of not facing Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay (17-9), who notched his fourth win against the Yankees alone this year on Sunday. They do face A.J. Burnett with his 95 ERA+ tomorrow, but that’s definitely better than facing Halladay and his 158 ERA+ right now. The Blue Jays also traded away Matt Stairs to the Phillies last week, and while he’s not the hitting force he was last year, I’m sure there are some Twins pitchers (especially in the bullpen) who are happy they won’t have to face him in the late innings. Going into tonight’s game, the Twins have faced six straight left-handed starting pitchers. The trend continues tonight, with right-handers scheduled to toss for Toronto on Wednesday and Thursday.

On the Mound
Glen Perkins: 12-3, 3.96 ERA, 104 ERA+, 1.39 WHIP
David Purcey: 2-5, 5.53 ERA, 77 ERA+, 1.37 WHIP

Potluck

“So, what’s going on?” Mike Lamb asked Nick Punto as teammate after teammate arrived in the Twins clubhouse with a covered dish Monday afternoon.

“Didn’t you get the memo?” asked Punto. “It’s our annual potluck dinner. Gardy figured since we have this big series with the White Sox, we could use all the luck we can get, and like Gardy always says, there’s no better luck than a potluck.”

“Seriously?” asked Lamb.

“Oh, yeah,” said Joe Nathan. “Heck, after we had our potluck last year the Pohlads thought we should do it for every home game. Save a few bucks on the clubhouse spread, you know. But then a few of the guys got sick after eating Torii’s Tuna Noodle Hot Dish Surprise and everyone decided just once a year was probably enough.”

“Tuna Noodle Hot Dish Surprise?” asked Lamb.

“Yeah,” said Joe Mauer. “The surprise was that he forgot to put it in the refrigerator overnight so the cream of mushroom soup got a little gamy. Most of us wouldn’t touch the stuff, but Ponson and Silva had, like, six helpings.”

“Man, I wish I’d have known,” said Lamb, looking up and down the buffet table. “See, now I feel like I’m not contributing anything.”

“Gee, I wonder why you’d feel that way?” asked Justin Morneau without the slightest hint of irony as he removed a large covered platter from its quilted warming cozy. “If you didn’t get the memo you didn’t get the memo.”

“So what you got there, Justin?” asked Delmon Young as he tucked a napkin under his chin.

“Back bacon and beans smothered in maple syrup,” said Justin. “With a little moose meat pemmican mixed in for flavor. And bear claws and beaver tails for dessert.”

"Bear claws and beaver tails?" said Delmon. "Man, I love pastries!"

"Yeah, we know," replied Justin, eyeing the outfielder's waistline. "And who said anything about pastries?"

“Hey Gardy!” yelled Craig Monroe. “What did you bring?”

“That big tray of beef jerky,” the frosty haired manager called back.

“Beef jerky?” squealed Nick Punto. “You were supposed to make, like, a real dish.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Gardy. “But Carol was busy and that’s about the only food they sell at the hardware store. It was either that or Slim Jims.”

The players lined up and slowly worked their way down the buffet table, filling their plates with gusto until they reached the end. One by one they gathered around the last dish on the table, looking up and down and back and forth in puzzled disbelief.

“Madre mio,” said Carlos Gomez and Alexi Casilla together. “Que es esso?

“Yeah, man, what the hell is that?” asked Brendan Harris. “Is it some sort of Cornish game hens or mutant Butterball turkey or something?”

“Well, it does appear to be poultry related,” said Mike Redmond, scratching his head. “Yeah, definitely avian in nature. Maybe we should get Souhan in here, he’d probably know.”

“Who brought this, and just what the hell is it?” piped up Brian Buscher. But nobody answered.

“It smells kind of good,” said Morneau. “Sort of like… I don’t know. Like that smell when you're a kid getting out of bed on Christmas morning, or the way the lake smells right before you hook a big walleye. And a little bit like... curry, maybe? But it sure looks weird.”

“Man, it looks weird because whoever made it didn't even bother to pluck it first!” said Nathan.

Finally, after a moment of quiet deliberation, Kevin Slowey spoke up. “I brought it, guys,” he said.

“Well, what is it then?” asked several of the players at once.

“It’s Hope,” said Slowey.

“Hope?” asked Denard Span.

“Hope?” asked Brendan Harris.

“Yeah,” said Slowey. “It’s Hope. You know, the thing with feathers.”

There was a momentary quiet as the players pondered this revelation by the young pitcher. Finally Denard Span broke the silence.

“Well, all right, my man,” he said, holding out his plate and nodding toward the large Tupperware bowl. “Pile that stuff on, then. Shoot, who knows? Maybe if I have enough I’ll finally hit myself a dinger.”

# # #

Rock On, Geezers, Rock On: Concert Review

I've been having one of those weeks. It started Sunday at the Dome when Scott Baker threw a gem and got zero run support, then progressed with a little bronchial thing that's settling in my chest and becoming a nasty summer cold. My daughter is involved in a leadership training program this week, so I've been driving her to the U of M campus and State Capital, doubling my commute times every day. And the Twins dropped their drawers and bent over for the Yankees in three straight games. So I've been feeling a bit pissy lately, and wasn't feeling really thrilled about attending the Tom Petty concert last night, even though my wife and I had been looking forward to it for weeks. But it turned out to be a real tonic, a dose of nostalgia-laden live experience that was just what I’ve been needing.

Steve Winwood opened the show. I really do like his music and have for many, many years. He has a resume that's hard to top – Spencer Davis Group, Blind Faith, Traffic, solo career and some great collaborations. I love his mix of blues and R&B and jazz influences. He was a great opener, though the sound system at first seemed a bit muddy (could have been the cold affecting my ears, though), the set was fairly short, and he played several songs from his new Nine Lives album which were fairly underwhelming, so some of the old favorites I had hoped for didn't make the set list. But he did get the crowd going with his throwback hits, which included strong performances of Dear Mr. Fantasy, Higher Love, and the essential Gimme Some Lovin’.

After Winwood finished up it was time to head to the bathroom and take a turn around the concourse looking for a concession line that wasn't 20 people deep. Why, oh why, why, why do arenas always seem to hire the slowest people in the world to work the concession stands? Are sloth and indolence among the job requirements for such a position?*

*And since I'm on a bit of a rant now, I'll add this. When attending an experiential auditory event, please at least make an effort to arrive on time so you don't have to stumble over a dozen people in the dark to get to your seats. And stow that damn cell phone once the music begins because you can't hear jack squat and neither can the person on the other end. Also, unless you are in the few rows right in front of the stage, the flash unit on your digital camera is absolutely useless and only serves to annoy the other 15,000 people in the building. There's a button on the camera that turns off the flash. Use it, please. Thank you. You may now vacate my greensward.

It was interesting during the break to note the makeup of the crowd. Yes, there were an awful lot of us old schoolers pushing 50 and beyond, but also a fair contingent of 20 and 30-somethings, and more pierced, tattoo sporting teenagers than I would have expected. But it was the geezers like myself who appeared in the majority, grabbing at another chance to recall our spent youth, and humorously pointed out the irony of the display ads for Flomax above the urinal troughs. So after dropping $12 on a bag of popcorn and two bottles of Dasani and sneaking a peek at the tour merchandise (40 bucks for a tee shirt? Really? I was actually expecting the rotund delivery guy from the Miller beer commercials to show up and take away their High Life), I made it back to my seat with just a few minutes to spare. And then it was show time.

The house lights went down. There was movement on the stage. And as the spotlights came up and the first notes of You Wreck Me reverberated through the Target Center, the place erupted. And I have to say, Tom Petty is an absolute, bona fide, genuine frigging Rock Star. Over the course of the next two hours, he demonstrated just why he’s been able to remain on top of the fickle rock and roll heap for three solid decades. And the current iteration of The Hearbreakers – Mike Campbell on lead guitar, Scott Thurston on rhythm guitar and harmonica, Ron Blair on bass, Benmont Tench manning the Hammond organ and baby grand piano, and Steve Ferrone driving a relentless beat on drums – is an incredibly tight band. I mean, they are tighter than the expression on Cindy McCain’s face, if such a thing is possible.

After the opening number, Petty and his band kept the intensity high by moving straight into a great version of Listen to Her Heart. By the time that number finished, the crowd was his, heart and soul, and he moved around the stage with the smooth, magnanimous attitude of a benevolent minstrel gracing his fans with his talent. From there Petty and his band treated the throng to a seemingly endless string of hits and favorites – I Won’t Back Down, Even the Losers, Free Fallin’, and Mary Jane. My wife and I grinned happily at each other as Petty introduced the Traveling Wilbury’s End of the Line (The Wilbury’s were a staple of our salad days, when attending anything but a free concert was as out of reach as flying to the moon). Petty followed with Breakdown, Saving Grace, A Face in the Crowd, Honey Bee, Learning to Fly, Don’t Come Around Here No More, and Refugee. Most of them great extended versions that featured soaring, wailing guitar leads, gripping rhythms and harmonies, hammering drums, and some almost operatic keyboard work.

Now, planned encores always seem a bit disingenuous to me, but I was able to easily put that prejudice aside last night and join in the raucous cheers and calls for more when Petty and crew put down their instruments and took a short break. After a few minutes of thunderous applause, whistling and foot stomping, they retook the stage to appease the thankful audience with an excellent, driving version of Runnin’ Down a Dream before launching into Van Morrison’s Gloria (a long crowd participation version), and finally bringing the show to an ear-ringing crescendo by finishing off with American Girl.

So yeah, this week the Twins suck, I’m coughing up a lung and burning twice as much $4 a gallon gas as usual. But my foot is tapping while I work, I’ve got some excellent tunes rolling around in my head, and a smile on my face, and a great memory that will stay fresh at least until the summer turns to fall. And I feel just a little bit younger than I did at this time yesterday. So I have that going for me. Which is nice.