The WGOM

Here we go with another week gazing at the vast wasteland that is sports columnizing in this town.

Grandpa Sports
What a week for the old-timer. I'm saying it now. Stop with all the negativity, Sid! I can't take it. Why can't you be positive about the hometown clubs just once????

First, he tells us that Zygi Wilf is expecting a big season from the Vikings. Now that might sound a positive, sell-some-tickets statement but let's be clear. Sid is telling us that the owner has lost patience with his club, coaches, and probably the City of Minneapolis. Storm clouds are on the horizon. When the Vikings perform their ritual heart-ripping on their most rabid fans, I'll point you to this column.

Actually, this column is a double knife in the back. Later on, Sid reveals Twins General Manager Billy Smith to be a bold-faced liar.

Twins General Manager Bill Smith realizes there is a problem with a bullpen that has an ERA of 2.11 at home and 6.19 on the road (before Wednesday's 7-3 victory at Seattle). He says he is watching the waiver wire, ready to claim anybody who can help.

The steely Sid puts the rookie on the record and makes him look bad when Chad Bradford is claimed by the Rays (and thus, not by the Twins) about a day later. Watch out when you talk to El Sid, rook. He's going to make you look like a fool.

The vise grip is slowly tightening on this Vikings squad. The diabolical Hartman takes away any excuse about dissension in the lockerroom with this cutting entry about how the Vikings players all get along. Yep, there'll be no recourse to the old "lack of chemistry" excuse when the Vikings get to the point in the season when all appears lost (which happens every season). They won't be able to say, so-and-so farts in front of my locker all day, they'll just have to admit that they aren't as good as the other team.

And, oh, the shot he takes at the Gophers later on in the column (a different page, so worth another link)! My goodness! What skill with the verbal cutlery! The Gophers almost ran a deficit in their athletic budget, but barely squeaked by. Says battleworn AD Joel Maturi:

[W]e were wondering if we were going to operate in the black, and all of a sudden, because this happens or that happens and we didn't spend here or didn't have to spend there, we're OK. We feel good about what we accomplished in '07-08.

We feel good about what we accomplished in '07-08. The football team was 1-11 and one field goal away from a winless season. The hockey team sa-hucked and had a controversial mid-season defection, which included an NHL coach questioning the quality of coaching in Minneapolis, the basketball team was the bright spot, and it was so-so. Sid knows we know all this, see, and he's got Maturi looking like a total idiot with that quote. Sid also knows that "because this happens" means that the Gophers made a lot of money off of NDSU grads who filled the dome to watch the NDSU Bison kick the shit out of the Gophers. But, Glen's in his happy place. Wow, Sid. Why'd you have to kick a man when he's down?

Even Purple Jesus isn't immune from the cutting. "This is what a column would look like," says O.J. Simpson, "If I Did It". All Adrian "All Day" Peterson did was set the world on fire last season, but that's not enough for the rhetorical killer, Sid Hartman. No sir. He has to be much, much better. It seems that Mr. Peterson is doing all he can to improve, but something tells me that it won't please the Dean of Minneapolis sportswriters.

Finally, Sid takes apart the Vikings for not getting Brett Favre into a purple uniform. The Vikings played their first preseason game and Hartman tells us that the scribes are unimpressed with Tarvaris Jackson ("many in the media still question Jackson's ability to lead the Vikings offense"). He even gets Jackson to admit that he sucks. Says Jackson, "If [Favre] would have came in, they would have brought him in for a reason and I understand that." That reason, of course, is that Jackson sucks and is going to bring this team down. Sid knows it, Jackson knows it, we all know it, and Sid has him admitting it. It's gonna get ugly.

As if that's not enough, Sid explores the dark recesses of Tim Brewster's mind. "Gophers football coach Tim Brewster sat in his office Saturday afternoon watching film of the same day's morning scrimmage, and he was all smiles as he pointed out one outstanding defensive play after another." Oh, come on, Sid, that's just hurtful.

All the negativity that's in this town sucks.

Top Jimmy
It's bad enough that Sid's out there cutting everyone off at the knees, but what really sucks is that the RSS feed from Top Jimmy and Reusse isn't working, meaning that I'm really going to have to work to finish this rant. Of course, they don't have RSS feeds over at the PiP. Cost cutting measure, apparently.

Souhan is in China following the Olympics. He writes about a Minnesotan who coaches the U.S. Table Tennis team, which includes a bunch of Chinese players. Nothing gets your nationalistic spirit up like a bunch of immigrants playing a sport that we don't care about.

This just in! Beijing is polluted, the Chinese eat foods that seem weird to us, and the government is oppressive! No signs of any poultry references (other than the name of the Olympic stadium, The Bird's Nest), but bad jokes abound. "And if China was serious about its medal count, it would have found a way to make spitting an Olympic sport. These people are good. For them, expectorating is a performance art." Or how about this one: "Everywhere there are grim-looking soldiers, thin as Corey Brewer, only better shooters." Good grief. I know Souhan is better than this. I read him for years before he was a columnist and he's pretty good on television. But, his radio show and columns like this are just terrible.

The week ended with a devastating tragedy for a Minnesota family. A random act of violence ends the life of a Minnesota man and leaves his wife fighting for her life. Souhan writes a great piece detailing the crushed spirit of the Olympic volleyball team, playing on after the news that a member of the family was murdered.

Patrick Reusse
On Monday, Reusse wrote about Francisco Liriano's first start since April and suggests that the path to a Central Division title is a lot easier this year now that Liriano is back, especially as compared to the path that they took in 2006. No veteran leadership, which seemed so important last week. Just capable arms. What will we do?

While Top Jimmy vacillates between the sublime and the ridiculous in Beijing, Reusse's off to Oakland, MI to watch the PGA golf tournament. Reusse writes a whole bunch of golf columns, (seriously, several golf columns) but guess what? Golf without Tiger Woods is boring.

Shooter
Baseless speculation gets the week off. Shooter's gone fishin'.

Tom Powers
Tom says Tavaris Jackson was pretty good in the first preseason game. Tom takes in the UFC at Target Center this weekend and is a little less than impressed. Actually, I think he's more like appalled. But, there's a key piece of information in there: the Chinese probably won't like it. There's no spitting allowed.

Bob Sansevere
Man, Sansevere was working hard this week. Ten columns! Ten! Man, he must have been working late at night to generate all of those items! Let's take a look. Oh, well. Maybe not. Bob talks to a few guys and gets a quote or two. For instance, Ryan Longwell answers one question. Robert Ferguson answers one question. Chad Greenway answers three questions. Cullen Loeffler answers two questions. Tavaris Jackson answers one question. He also talks to Adam Weber, Gophers quarterback, with plenty of that huckster Tim Brewster thrown in. The article reads like Weber talking and Brewster interrupting. Weber says he wants to be known as a guy that took his team from 1-11 to 11-1 or an undefeated season. Well, he's got the first part down. Antoine Winfield gives Bob a handful of cliches. Darren Sharper answers a bunch of questions about Brett Favre. Bob also tells us that the Favre controversy was good for the Vikings. That was written before the Favre trade. After the Favre trade, Bob tells us that if Tavaris Jackson is good, that would be good for the Vikings.