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All the Negativity That’s In This Town Sucks

SBG August 10, 2008, at 10:15 pm 10 LTEs - (Sorry, but the time to add LTEs has expired) , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Here we go with another week gazing at the vast wasteland that is sports columnizing in this town.

Grandpa Sports
What a week for the old-timer. I'm saying it now. Stop with all the negativity, Sid! I can't take it. Why can't you be positive about the hometown clubs just once????

First, he tells us that Zygi Wilf is expecting a big season from the Vikings. Now that might sound a positive, sell-some-tickets statement but let's be clear. Sid is telling us that the owner has lost patience with his club, coaches, and probably the City of Minneapolis. Storm clouds are on the horizon. When the Vikings perform their ritual heart-ripping on their most rabid fans, I'll point you to this column.

Actually, this column is a double knife in the back. Later on, Sid reveals Twins General Manager Billy Smith to be a bold-faced liar.

Twins General Manager Bill Smith realizes there is a problem with a bullpen that has an ERA of 2.11 at home and 6.19 on the road (before Wednesday's 7-3 victory at Seattle). He says he is watching the waiver wire, ready to claim anybody who can help.

The steely Sid puts the rookie on the record and makes him look bad when Chad Bradford is claimed by the Rays (and thus, not by the Twins) about a day later. Watch out when you talk to El Sid, rook. He's going to make you look like a fool.

The vise grip is slowly tightening on this Vikings squad. The diabolical Hartman takes away any excuse about dissension in the lockerroom with this cutting entry about how the Vikings players all get along. Yep, there'll be no recourse to the old "lack of chemistry" excuse when the Vikings get to the point in the season when all appears lost (which happens every season). They won't be able to say, so-and-so farts in front of my locker all day, they'll just have to admit that they aren't as good as the other team.

And, oh, the shot he takes at the Gophers later on in the column (a different page, so worth another link)! My goodness! What skill with the verbal cutlery! The Gophers almost ran a deficit in their athletic budget, but barely squeaked by. Says battleworn AD Joel Maturi:

[W]e were wondering if we were going to operate in the black, and all of a sudden, because this happens or that happens and we didn't spend here or didn't have to spend there, we're OK. We feel good about what we accomplished in '07-08.

We feel good about what we accomplished in '07-08. The football team was 1-11 and one field goal away from a winless season. The hockey team sa-hucked and had a controversial mid-season defection, which included an NHL coach questioning the quality of coaching in Minneapolis, the basketball team was the bright spot, and it was so-so. Sid knows we know all this, see, and he's got Maturi looking like a total idiot with that quote. Sid also knows that "because this happens" means that the Gophers made a lot of money off of NDSU grads who filled the dome to watch the NDSU Bison kick the shit out of the Gophers. But, Glen's in his happy place. Wow, Sid. Why'd you have to kick a man when he's down?

Even Purple Jesus isn't immune from the cutting. "This is what a column would look like," says O.J. Simpson, "If I Did It". All Adrian "All Day" Peterson did was set the world on fire last season, but that's not enough for the rhetorical killer, Sid Hartman. No sir. He has to be much, much better. It seems that Mr. Peterson is doing all he can to improve, but something tells me that it won't please the Dean of Minneapolis sportswriters.

Finally, Sid takes apart the Vikings for not getting Brett Favre into a purple uniform. The Vikings played their first preseason game and Hartman tells us that the scribes are unimpressed with Tarvaris Jackson ("many in the media still question Jackson's ability to lead the Vikings offense"). He even gets Jackson to admit that he sucks. Says Jackson, "If [Favre] would have came in, they would have brought him in for a reason and I understand that." That reason, of course, is that Jackson sucks and is going to bring this team down. Sid knows it, Jackson knows it, we all know it, and Sid has him admitting it. It's gonna get ugly.

As if that's not enough, Sid explores the dark recesses of Tim Brewster's mind. "Gophers football coach Tim Brewster sat in his office Saturday afternoon watching film of the same day's morning scrimmage, and he was all smiles as he pointed out one outstanding defensive play after another." Oh, come on, Sid, that's just hurtful.

All the negativity that's in this town sucks.

Top Jimmy
It's bad enough that Sid's out there cutting everyone off at the knees, but what really sucks is that the RSS feed from Top Jimmy and Reusse isn't working, meaning that I'm really going to have to work to finish this rant. Of course, they don't have RSS feeds over at the PiP. Cost cutting measure, apparently.

Souhan is in China following the Olympics. He writes about a Minnesotan who coaches the U.S. Table Tennis team, which includes a bunch of Chinese players. Nothing gets your nationalistic spirit up like a bunch of immigrants playing a sport that we don't care about.

This just in! Beijing is polluted, the Chinese eat foods that seem weird to us, and the government is oppressive! No signs of any poultry references (other than the name of the Olympic stadium, The Bird's Nest), but bad jokes abound. "And if China was serious about its medal count, it would have found a way to make spitting an Olympic sport. These people are good. For them, expectorating is a performance art." Or how about this one: "Everywhere there are grim-looking soldiers, thin as Corey Brewer, only better shooters." Good grief. I know Souhan is better than this. I read him for years before he was a columnist and he's pretty good on television. But, his radio show and columns like this are just terrible.

The week ended with a devastating tragedy for a Minnesota family. A random act of violence ends the life of a Minnesota man and leaves his wife fighting for her life. Souhan writes a great piece detailing the crushed spirit of the Olympic volleyball team, playing on after the news that a member of the family was murdered.

Patrick Reusse
On Monday, Reusse wrote about Francisco Liriano's first start since April and suggests that the path to a Central Division title is a lot easier this year now that Liriano is back, especially as compared to the path that they took in 2006. No veteran leadership, which seemed so important last week. Just capable arms. What will we do?

While Top Jimmy vacillates between the sublime and the ridiculous in Beijing, Reusse's off to Oakland, MI to watch the PGA golf tournament. Reusse writes a whole bunch of golf columns, (seriously, several golf columns) but guess what? Golf without Tiger Woods is boring.

Shooter
Baseless speculation gets the week off. Shooter's gone fishin'.

Tom Powers
Tom says Tavaris Jackson was pretty good in the first preseason game. Tom takes in the UFC at Target Center this weekend and is a little less than impressed. Actually, I think he's more like appalled. But, there's a key piece of information in there: the Chinese probably won't like it. There's no spitting allowed.

Bob Sansevere
Man, Sansevere was working hard this week. Ten columns! Ten! Man, he must have been working late at night to generate all of those items! Let's take a look. Oh, well. Maybe not. Bob talks to a few guys and gets a quote or two. For instance, Ryan Longwell answers one question. Robert Ferguson answers one question. Chad Greenway answers three questions. Cullen Loeffler answers two questions. Tavaris Jackson answers one question. He also talks to Adam Weber, Gophers quarterback, with plenty of that huckster Tim Brewster thrown in. The article reads like Weber talking and Brewster interrupting. Weber says he wants to be known as a guy that took his team from 1-11 to 11-1 or an undefeated season. Well, he's got the first part down. Antoine Winfield gives Bob a handful of cliches. Darren Sharper answers a bunch of questions about Brett Favre. Bob also tells us that the Favre controversy was good for the Vikings. That was written before the Favre trade. After the Favre trade, Bob tells us that if Tavaris Jackson is good, that would be good for the Vikings.

The Weak in Local Sportswriting

SBG July 27, 2008, at 6:33 am 3 LTEs - (Sorry, but the time to add LTEs has expired) , , , , , , , , , ,

It's a new week, and what better way to start a week than to go back and look at what our local sports columnists wrote about last week. Actually, I can think of a lot better things to do to start a week. In fact, this is way down the list. Really, it's not on the list at all. Nevertheless, I've decided to subject you to the frivolity.

Let's start with Top Jimmy. In his first column of the week, TJ advocated for the removal of Carlos Gomez from the top of the Twins batting order. TJ was telling us earlier this season that Gomez wins the Twins a game a week -- that might be true, but lately, he's been doing his best to lose the other six games a week. TJ accurately points out that Gomez is an exciting player, but he sucks at getting on base. And, considering that leadoff hitters bat more than anyone else on the club, a crappy OBP is not what you need there. The Twins quickly took TJ's advice. This column is pretty much a no-brainer, but TJ has missed no-brainers before, so kudos. Another whipping boy for TJ has been Vikings coach Brad Childress, but the Vikings have the look of a serious contender... okay, I'm not REALLY believing that, but anyway, TJ writes a hey, this Vikings operation looks like it's kind of competent column. Witness:

Now, though, [Childress has] constructed an intimidating running game and added quality receivers to the passing game. He and his quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson, still have miles to go, but Jackson is set up to have at least a solid year as a starter in '08, which would make this (can't ... say ... it ... must ... resist ... optimism) something like a KAO.

In case you are wondering, KAO = kick ass offense. Ouch. First, a my boy Gomez needs to be moved down in the lineup or possibly shipped to Rochester and now a Chili seems to know what he's doing column? Tough week for Top Jimmy. I don't see any poultry references, other than that eating crow that he's doing. What's next, writing a column about a Vikings defensive end and his security blanket? Oh, no he di'nt!

I'm not sure that Patrick Reusse showed up at a game this week wearing the same dress at Tom Powers, but they both wrote the same column last week about some washed up golfer, so that was bad. What can Reusse do to make amends? He starts the week off by scoffing at the Vikings $853 million plan to "reconstruct" the Metrodome. Such a plan would call for $600 million from the taxpayers. I'm pretty happy with the Vikings playing in the Metrodome and, if necessary, somewhere else entirely starting in 2012. 81 dates in a Twins stadium? Yes. 8 regular season Vikings games in an almost billion dollar building? No thanks. The NFL is for TV anyway. Reusse follows that up with a story about a Gopher football player getting his degree 40 years after playing for the U. How is that news? I thought all those guys were on the 40 year plan. Then, Reusse profiles the fourth guy on the Vikings defensive line, at least for now, Jayme Mitchell. It's hard to take that the NFL is coming soon. Reusse ends the week with a tribute to the newly deceased Chicago sportswriter, Jerome Holtzman. In it, he wrote about how much fun it is to hang out in the press box and make fun of ball players -- and that Holtzman was a lot of fun. He kind of sucked as a writer, though.

Holtzman's game stories on the Cubs or the White Sox didn't exactly cause goose bumps on a reader's arms. He embraced clichés as the next generation tried mightily to avoid them.

So, hang out, have fun, mock world class athletes, write crappy stories, and, presumably, hit the bars. Good old boys. One can see why Mr. Reusse has such disdain for bloggers. They are so unprofessional.

Grandpa Sports delivers the usual. Twins happy with Liriano, despite grievance. Tony Dungy thinks the Vikings are going to be good. Seriously, Sid, where do you come up with these questions? You asked somebody who was in town about the Vikings? Brilliant! The Vikings brain trust has been together for a couple of years now, so they are getting their shit together. Think the Brett Favre controversy is something? Well, the Vikings have had their fair share of QB controversies. That last one is a little out of the mold, but never fear, in the same column Sid tells us that the Twins have been a pleasant surprise.

Shooter tears a page out of Grandpa's playbook, writing a non-story about Carl Pohlad. But hey, his first column of the week included this gem:

Golf's "King," Arnold Palmer, was to fly from the Twin Cities to Rochester on Monday in his private jet for his annual physical at the Mayo Clinic.

Well, excuse me for making a crack about a non-story. Shooter follows that stupendous effort up with this one: "Twins reluctant to make a trade that would hurt team's chemistry". Word has it, though, that they aren't worried about fucking up their biology or physics. But, of course, the Shooter column is always about the juicy tidbits. Like this one: "Look for the grass for the Twins' new ballpark opening in 2010 in downtown Minneapolis to be grown on a Colorado sod farm." Whew! That's about as exciting as, well, watching grass grow. Shooter ends a fine week by telling us that Tim Brewster is still promoting the Gopher football program. And there's this note: "The Gophers are still intent on getting the University of Texas on their 2016 football schedule." So, Brewster's gonna make sure that they don't play the Longhorns until after he's fired. Good.

Tom Powers must still be exhausted from his Ron Streck column, so he brings just one column this week about, you guessed it, another old codger golfer that you've never heard of before. Looks like Tom was on vacation. Hope he did something other than hang out with old golfers.

If I keep up this column, Bob Sansevere is going to wear me out. The guy writes pretty much every day. True, he only writes about 200 words a day, but it's every day! Let's see what was on his mind this week. Arnold Palmer says he's had a good life. One would think that there was an old-timer's golf tournament in town with all the old golfers hitting the sports page this week. It's good, though, to see that Arnie has a firm grasp of the obvious. Bob also tells us he's not sold on Tavaris Jackson. But, he's running a KAO, Bob! Speaking of old codger golf, Bob says the course that they played on here in town was too damned easy. Boy, the St. Paul paper spent a lot of time on that tournament. Apparently, Grandpa didn't totally dominate Tony Dungy while he was in town this week. Sansevere talked to him, too. If you just read the headline, "On and On With Indianapolis Colts Coach Tony Dungy" you'd think that Sansevere had a wide ranging interview with the former Vikings assistant coach. You'd be wrong. He's got five questions including a one-word response to a question about Brett Favre. He also didn't ask Tony whether he thought the Vikings would be any good. But, then again, only Sid asks questions like that. Sansevere also talked with Gopher football recruit Sam Maresh, who had heart surgery last month. The kid is talking about playing -- I certainly wouldn't, not after heart surgery. For his final column of the week, Sansevere writes about the rumor that Brett Favre was calling the Vikings on a Packer cell phone. There's a caveat -- if the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel (who reported the cellphone story) is dialed in -- but then Bob takes his rips at Favre. Both the Favre and Packers camps are denying this story, so it appears that the MJS was dialing a wrong number. I hope those guys in Milwaukee are fun to hang out with in the baseball press box, because then we can excuse their rumor mongering.

Local Scribes Write About What They Write About

SBG July 20, 2008, at 6:20 am 12 LTEs - (Sorry, but the time to add LTEs has expired) , , , , , , , , , ,

I opened up my virtual Sunday morning newspapers, and this is what I saw.

Top Jimmy: Brett Favre is tarnishing his reputation because he still wants to play. Maybe so, but hasn't he been doing this for years? Favre is going to want to play right up until the day they order the artificial hips. By the way, I'm pretty sure Top Jimmy wrote this column without leaving the comfort of his mother's basement.

Patrick Reusse: Profiles Ron Streck, who's playing in the old codger's golf tournament in town this weekend. Turns out Streck was the first player to win on the PGA tour using a metal wood. Includes this quote from some golfer, when seeing the metal wood: "That looks like a practice club. I'll never use one of these." That golfer was Jack Nicklaus. Here's Reusse's genius. He writes a column about someone you've never heard of and it's interesting. Nice piece.

Sid Hartman: ZOMG! Both the pitcher (Glen Perkins) and the catcher (Joe Mauer) are from Minnesota! And they are teh awesum!


Charley Walters: The Vikings should trade for Brett Favre (really!) and the NFL might make it happen. I have to quote this so you don't think I'm making it up:

If Brett Favre wants to play for the Vikings, which he seems to want to do, and if the Vikings want Favre, which they seem to, there would seem to be a deal to be made, with the NFL steering it behind the scenes.

A deal for the future hall of fame quarterback could be good business for the league.

Well, if the Packers trade Brett Favre to the Minnesota Vikings, you heard it here first. Also, this should make you all cringe and rethink your vote on the Billy Smith poll from earlier this week.

Twins general manager Bill Smith, on Livan Hernandez, who improved to 10-6 with a 5.29 earned-run average with Saturday's victory over Texas: "I'll take the (10) wins. Who do you want, a guy who's 10-15 with a 2.80 ERA or a guy who's 16-8 with a 7.00 ERA? I'll take the 16-8."

Tom Powers: He profiles Tom Streck [actually, Tom wasn't speaking to the media, so he profiled Ron, just like Reusse], too! Suddenly, the Reusse column isn't looking so great. He even has the Nicklaus quote. Strike all that about Reusse's genius.

Bob Sansevere: Profiles some other codger golfer, Loren Roberts. Wow. I guess he was unable to make the Tom Ron Streck press conference.

I'd have to say that Shooter wins for best column. It's funny (although presumably unintentionally so) and he's got that Billy Smith quote.